I got someone.

I got someone. Someone who doesn't want me, not exactly sexually, but we are together until now, he is my brother, was my lover and now we are another thing. We lived together, sleeped together for so long, then he treated me so bad and make some distance for a time and even after that we still in the same house, because I understand him in his long story short, sometimes everyone needs a time for themselves, and love is always demanding something. My friend and I, we never make sex again and it's alright. I actually dont want sex, only wrestling and jiu jitsu for me in a man with a man relationship is fine, because I like to fight and like violence, so having a best friend who likes your favorite sport was fulfilling and he is the best fighter in the city. I like being with a man to try and feel the strong and violence we can use for our own fun. Kind of BDSM ''perversion''. I dont think I can actually love a man, but I love my friend today even knowing he does not love me.  When I'm with someone else I'm kind of missing him. He's so handsome for me. But he is the kind of guy who only loves woman publicy, and men only sometimes, in night stands, secretly, in other words he is a hot trap, and I need to get away and make some distance from his intentions, because that confuses me in the sense I don't want sex, but company.

go for a beer young boy, you deserve it.

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Mes motivations, vive la liberté!

September 13th of 2011. 13 de Setembro de 2011.

It's been a long time since I've post anything... My life continues to follow the plan, but not as before. Something in me has been potentiated. This sense of surprise in life and surprise at other people. My friends are great... one of them is in trouble, yet it's not like the things in the world go wrong for him, the rules are easy to follow and the rest of it gets better in life. It was always like this with me. I could get along. Anyway, overall, I feel distant. With the people I like, it's not that much, but I can not have the same closeness as before: I want to be alone. I want to be erased. Then, here comes the strange people, from day to day, that make me even more willing to stay away. There are some college girls who adore me and they have no reason to do it. I'm not cool, I'm not funny, I'm nothing like these things that people like and want around. So I do not understand, which increases my perplexity. I made a friend, she came to talk to me on the street for no reason.

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Faz tempo que não posto... Minha vida continua seguindo o plano, mas não como antes, alguma coisa em mim foi potencializada. Essa sensação de estranhamento e surpresa diante das outras pessoas. Meus amigos são ótimos... um deles está com problemas, mesmo assim não é como se as coisas no mundo fossem dar errado pra ele, as regras são fáceis de seguir e o resto se ajeita na vida. Comigo foi sempre assim. De qualquer forma, no geral, eu me sinto distante. Com as pessoas que eu gosto não é tanto assim, porém eu não consigo ter a mesma proximidade de antes: quero ficar sozinho, quero ficar apagado. Dai vem as pessoas estranhas, do dia a dia, que me fazem ter ainda mais vontade de ficar distante. Tem umas meninas na faculdade que me adoram e elas não tem motivo pra isso. Eu não sou legal, não sou engraçado, não sou nada dessas coisas que as pessoas gostam e querem por perto. Então não entendo, o que aumenta minha perplexidade. Fiz uma amiga, ela veio falar comigo na rua, sem motivo algum.

My best friend. Meu melhor amigo.

I always had friends. When you are a child, the boys do not differ much from each other and even girls can play ball, play with the cats or even hide and seek. When you are a child, you walk with other children and if most of your friends are girls or boys it does not mean much. Like I said, I've always had friends, now only boys. I had some girl friends too, but it was not with them that I spent my free time. All of them, in time, left. And all of them at some point in my life were what most people call "best friend", "brother", "buddy" or something like that. When you are a kid, it's easy to have a best friend, but as a teenager I moved away from the friends that remained, I was increasingly different from them. I felt it, I heard it, I saw it and I did not understand it. A best friend always missed me.

Eu sempre tive amigos. Quando se é criança, os meninos não diferem muito entre si e até mesmo meninas podem jogar bola, brincar de gato mia ou esconde-esconde. Quando se é criança, você anda com outras crianças e se a maior parte dos seus amigos for de meninas ou de meninos não quer dizer muita coisa. Como disse, eu sempre tive amigos, meninos. Tive algumas amigas também, mas não era com elas que eu passava meu tempo livre. Todos eles, com o tempo, foram embora. E todos eles em algum momento da minha vida foram o que muita gente chama de "melhor amigo", "brother", "mano" ou algo desse tipo. Quando se é criança é facil ter um melhor amigo, mas na adolescência eu me afastei dos amigos que restaram, eu era cada vez mais diferente deles. Eu sentia isso, eu ouvia isso, eu via isso e eu não entendia isso. Um melhor amigo sempre me fez falta.

Four events of gender and intimacy. May 2011. Quatro situações de gênero e intimidade.

Four events occurred to me throughout the day as if they were epiphanies or late dreams:

1. A boy with long lashes colored with metallic gold and the enormous desire I felt to be contemplating his differentiated appearance, even though it was dangerous in a hetero-normative society.

2. The strange negative feeling I feel when they do not sit next to me in the seats, "I have something?", "It's something wrong with me?".

3. The dilemma: sex conditions the subject of the individual and what forms of resistance exist to this; and the individual creates the subject. How these two issues conflict and what they suggest? Example: when the mother knows that the baby is a boy (sex), she conditions his behavior and clothes to the masculine (subject); the boy (individual) can create and become a girl (subject);

4 - My self-exclusion and the desire to be alone in counterpoint to the fear of being rejected and to feel abandoned in some way or by someone not defined.