My best friend. Meu melhor amigo.

I always had friends. When you are a child, the boys do not differ much from each other and even girls can play ball, play with the cats or even hide and seek. When you are a child, you walk with other children and if most of your friends are girls or boys it does not mean much. Like I said, I've always had friends, now only boys. I had some girl friends too, but it was not with them that I spent my free time. All of them, in time, left. And all of them at some point in my life were what most people call "best friend", "brother", "buddy" or something like that. When you are a kid, it's easy to have a best friend, but as a teenager I moved away from the friends that remained, I was increasingly different from them. I felt it, I heard it, I saw it and I did not understand it. A best friend always missed me.

Eu sempre tive amigos. Quando se é criança, os meninos não diferem muito entre si e até mesmo meninas podem jogar bola, brincar de gato mia ou esconde-esconde. Quando se é criança, você anda com outras crianças e se a maior parte dos seus amigos for de meninas ou de meninos não quer dizer muita coisa. Como disse, eu sempre tive amigos, meninos. Tive algumas amigas também, mas não era com elas que eu passava meu tempo livre. Todos eles, com o tempo, foram embora. E todos eles em algum momento da minha vida foram o que muita gente chama de "melhor amigo", "brother", "mano" ou algo desse tipo. Quando se é criança é facil ter um melhor amigo, mas na adolescência eu me afastei dos amigos que restaram, eu era cada vez mais diferente deles. Eu sentia isso, eu ouvia isso, eu via isso e eu não entendia isso. Um melhor amigo sempre me fez falta.

Party at the house of a friend of a friend of mine back to 2011

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I was invited to a party at the house of a friend of a friend of mine. Note: never go again at a party of a friend of a friend of mine that I did not know beforehand. The funniest thing, however, is that I came back with my jaw ached with laughter and I can not honestly remember having enjoyed that party. First of all is that my friend did not appear . He disappeared, did not answer the phone and did not answer the messages all night, he was not on the subway at the time we agreed and not an hour later. The subway was next to his house (!!!). So I look at facebook and more or less at very random times he tagged me in a photo of Mario's Yosh and puts a random music letter and disappears again. I'm not a stalker, but facebook does me a favor by showing someone else's recent activity. Second place was the fact that I had spent a LOT of money without having to spend it yesterday. Continuing, my friend, Izm was all handsome, took his best bag there. We hissed and then we were drinking there and there, seeing all the fat and coarse people wondering whether Lady Gaga is the antichrist or saying they were practically straight edge, we had no choice but to drink more. Also, it was not a home party (!!!!), but a ballad. When I see that alcohol is going to destroy my dignity, I go somewhere and vomit quickly. My friend is not a bulimic, so she looked really bad. She began to fall to the ground, to roll, kissing everyone of the place among other things that I do not even want to think about and I had to save her sometimes. I think this part was funny because they took lots of pictures. Now what saved the night was the consideration of a very nice friend, Will, and it was a long time since he left with him. Although it made me sad with my other friend's hole and having to watch out for the Izm, at least Will was there being fun and saying things that helped the night not to be totally all wrong.

Sabedoria

Trecho de texto escrito por Danuza Leão na Folha de S. Paulo.

"   Foram muitos os bons momentos, tão felizes e tão inesquecíveis, que prefere até esquecer. Quanto aos maus momentos, foram também tantos, que faz tudo para não lembrar, e às vezes até consegue.

    Se houvesse uma maneira de apagar tudo, passar uma borracha, não lembrar nem do bom nem do ruim, zerar -é, zerar tudo, como seria bom.

    Agora, pelo menos, já sabe; às vezes acorda feliz, sem nem saber por que, sai de casa, na primeira esquina tropeça e fica no pior humor da vida. Já no dia seguinte acorda péssima, um amigo telefona e fala de maneira carinhosa, e a vida se torna, de repente, deliciosa de ser vivida. É essa certeza de que tudo pode mudar em minutos, segundos, que nos ajuda a segurar, quando tudo fica díficil.

    Quando as coisas estiverem indo mal, pense em quantas outras vezes elas estiveram tão mal quanto, às vezes até pior -e depois passou.

    Não se queixe, não reclame, não chore, não se descabele, apenas espere; apenas espere, com aquela quase resignação que parece até indiferença, que vê tantas vezes nos olhos dos mais velhos, que sabem que vai passar -porque sempre passa.

   A essa resignação se pode chamar sabedoria ou experiência -o que, no final, é mais ou menos a mesma coisa."



Things get better. Stay Strong



Four events of gender and intimacy. May 2011. Quatro situações de gênero e intimidade.

Four events occurred to me throughout the day as if they were epiphanies or late dreams:

1. A boy with long lashes colored with metallic gold and the enormous desire I felt to be contemplating his differentiated appearance, even though it was dangerous in a hetero-normative society.

2. The strange negative feeling I feel when they do not sit next to me in the seats, "I have something?", "It's something wrong with me?".

3. The dilemma: sex conditions the subject of the individual and what forms of resistance exist to this; and the individual creates the subject. How these two issues conflict and what they suggest? Example: when the mother knows that the baby is a boy (sex), she conditions his behavior and clothes to the masculine (subject); the boy (individual) can create and become a girl (subject);

4 - My self-exclusion and the desire to be alone in counterpoint to the fear of being rejected and to feel abandoned in some way or by someone not defined.

When I had a boyfriend and everything sucks at once. May 2011.

Anyway, after weeks without posting anything, I think today turned out to be a day when all my conflicts reached the top and they needed to expose themselves in some way. I hope nobody reads, even writing in a public domain. Privacy is relative, as much as you want to tell your life to everyone and ask for advice, no one will call if they are not interested in you.

Well, first, obviously, etc., the biggest problem is emotional. I'm dating already has a certain time and I'm happy; I was always felt alone and it was not because I had no one but because I was not prepared for anything serious and only now I had gotten a person who did not want to break up with me when I wanted to break up with him (until this time I got only two boyfriends, all the others was girls, but I think in that period I prefer boys). As degenerate as it may seem, it also seems to me the best way to prove a love: this selfish attitude of wanting for oneself what belongs to the other, that is, the person himself.

It turns out that, thank God, I will not deny the existence, because as Shakespeare said one day, "there are more mysteries between heaven and earth than our vain philosophy dreams," everything in my life is going well. I wanted to do nursing, I went to nursing and I have good grades; wanted to go to federal college, I went to federal college.

The problem was precisely this, realizing these two goals, I did not realize that both would require so much of my time. By studying in two periods, plus the time spent sleeping for 7 hours and the time spent in buses of 5 hours, the rest is in class or stage. It turns out that federal college requires a certain degree of knowledge of people and this is through the books and texts you have to read and then I only have the weekend to do everything. Some say I have time on the bus and the subway. I have, of course, but when the lighting conditions are favorable, because I can not read in a bus with missing lighting or with several people impairing clarity.

Here comes the question, as much as I love my love, I have to work hard not to be a drop in life. If things do not work, at least I've tried. I do not want to be a person who is called a coward, who gave up when everything went wrong, stopped trying. At that point comes a morality of life that a person I consider very much shared with everyone: "Whatever works. You know, as long as you do not hurt anybody." But for this, I have to work hard. The only time I had free is to do work, read or rest from the routine, it's the weekend and, dating, I end up leaving it all aside. There are three weeks that my studies have accumulated and now the examinations begin and I have not read half of what I should have read. The mistake was mine, no doubt, everything is a choice and sometimes a loved one is much more important than studying; at the same time that one does not live with love and forgets it sometimes.

I really know that I will not be able to give due attention to Edu because I'm busy and if that causes suffering, then I'd rather be busy alone. Which is difficult, every time I see a message from him, a link, a photo. I really feel it when it's important in my life and how unfair it is too. It's not my fault that I do not have the time and do not have to live with it. I really hope that when I finish nursing at least and can share apartment with someone, preferably with him, it will be easier for us to see and I have more time, but for now I get annoyed and feeling selfish.

It's even funny, but this image reflects me TOTALLY:









Another thing also hurts me, besides having to fulfill those responsibilities that I not only asked for, but I struggled to get it, I also have periods that I want to be alone. _Extremely alone - with all wrong hair, not hairstyle, in pajamas and slippers_. I want to have my space, I want to relax, I want to be well with myself without anyone talking to me. In short, I do not want to feel suffocated, having to stay with a thank-you person on days that I want to be mine, solitary and contemplative (not so cliche like this, but close to it). No thanks as if it were something bad, thank you for being upset, for wanting to be alone when it's time to stay together; and with that I feel bad, for feeling.