Anyway, after weeks without posting anything, I think today turned out to be a day when all my conflicts reached the top and they needed to expose themselves in some way. I hope nobody reads, even writing in a public domain. Privacy is relative, as much as you want to tell your life to everyone and ask for advice, no one will call if they are not interested in you.
Well, first, obviously, etc., the biggest problem is emotional. I'm dating already has a certain time and I'm happy; I was always felt alone and it was not because I had no one but because I was not prepared for anything serious and only now I had gotten a person who did not want to break up with me when I wanted to break up with him (until this time I got only two boyfriends, all the others was girls, but I think in that period I prefer boys). As degenerate as it may seem, it also seems to me the best way to prove a love: this selfish attitude of wanting for oneself what belongs to the other, that is, the person himself.
It turns out that, thank God, I will not deny the existence, because as Shakespeare said one day, "there are more mysteries between heaven and earth than our vain philosophy dreams," everything in my life is going well. I wanted to do nursing, I went to nursing and I have good grades; wanted to go to federal college, I went to federal college.
The problem was precisely this, realizing these two goals, I did not realize that both would require so much of my time. By studying in two periods, plus the time spent sleeping for 7 hours and the time spent in buses of 5 hours, the rest is in class or stage. It turns out that federal college requires a certain degree of knowledge of people and this is through the books and texts you have to read and then I only have the weekend to do everything. Some say I have time on the bus and the subway. I have, of course, but when the lighting conditions are favorable, because I can not read in a bus with missing lighting or with several people impairing clarity.
Here comes the question, as much as I love my love, I have to work hard not to be a drop in life. If things do not work, at least I've tried. I do not want to be a person who is called a coward, who gave up when everything went wrong, stopped trying. At that point comes a morality of life that a person I consider very much shared with everyone: "Whatever works. You know, as long as you do not hurt anybody." But for this, I have to work hard. The only time I had free is to do work, read or rest from the routine, it's the weekend and, dating, I end up leaving it all aside. There are three weeks that my studies have accumulated and now the examinations begin and I have not read half of what I should have read. The mistake was mine, no doubt, everything is a choice and sometimes a loved one is much more important than studying; at the same time that one does not live with love and forgets it sometimes.
I really know that I will not be able to give due attention to Edu because I'm busy and if that causes suffering, then I'd rather be busy alone. Which is difficult, every time I see a message from him, a link, a photo. I really feel it when it's important in my life and how unfair it is too. It's not my fault that I do not have the time and do not have to live with it. I really hope that when I finish nursing at least and can share apartment with someone, preferably with him, it will be easier for us to see and I have more time, but for now I get annoyed and feeling selfish.
It's even funny, but this image reflects me TOTALLY:
Another thing also hurts me, besides having to fulfill those responsibilities that I not only asked for, but I struggled to get it, I also have periods that I want to be alone. _Extremely alone - with all wrong hair, not hairstyle, in pajamas and slippers_. I want to have my space, I want to relax, I want to be well with myself without anyone talking to me. In short, I do not want to feel suffocated, having to stay with a thank-you person on days that I want to be mine, solitary and contemplative (not so cliche like this, but close to it). No thanks as if it were something bad, thank you for being upset, for wanting to be alone when it's time to stay together; and with that I feel bad, for feeling.
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